Messy Hair Don't Care

If you ever get cancer and you are worried about the hair falling out piece, a word of advice, get your haircut a few weeks before in a length or style that you hate! I love my hairstylist and nothing against the work she did in April. But I hate the length. It’s too short to successfully put it up in a ponytail, and it bothers me so much to have things hanging around my face, especially when I am working out. On top of that, the last week my hair has felt very icky. It’s almost like I can feel the chemo through it….perhaps that’s in my mind, but either way it feels gross and every time I actually try to style it (okay it was just that one time I went to actually do my hair) it reacted poorly to my straightener. So these few things have really helped me mentally prepare with the baldness heading my way.

On top of that, you all know how awesome I am at doing my hair. My sister was at the store one day and saw this shirt:

And she laughed so hard thinking of me that she had to buy it for me. I loved it because it was so fitting, and quite comfy! So from the get go, just like the boobs, of course I don’t want to lose my hair. But at the same time, my hair is always a disaster and I always wear hats so I think and hope I can deal with it better than most. Sidenote: last April I was in Idaho for a friends bachelorette party. I did the typical Kelli move, hoped out of the shower with a soaking wet head and was ready to go. My dearest friend Kim was so sweet and nicely offered to do my hair. Yay! I love to have my hair looking good, but I am clueless, I don’t have the tools, and I don’t have the patience to do it. But hell yeah, if she’ll style it then sure! It was a Catch 22 though. She made it look so pretty (which for months it’s looked horrible because I hadn’t had it cut for 8 months) which was so nice to enjoy but then made me a little sad because my hair actually looked good and made me sad to lose it! Thank you Kim for getting me that last hoorah with my long and pretty hair.

 

Yes, I am sitting on a toilet taking a selfie. Judge away.

I will say to all the people that have randomly shaved their heads in their life, or those that did it for a cause, it does help those being forced into doing it! I remind myself of all the people that willingly have done this just for fun and that helps.

Head Shaving Party:

From the get go we had numerous friends say they wanted to shave their heads with me. I thought they were crazy and told them they do not need to do that. But they insisted, which honestly is really cool and does make me feel a lot better about this endeavor, and it’s just cool to physically see all these people that support you. Anyways so Tony thought it would be fun to do a head shaving party. I was a little skeptical because I wasn’t sure this should be a public event. And I figured I would cry and I HATE to cry in front of people. Even at my wedding I kept it together all through the ceremony and the second we were down the aisle the tears of joy came.  But I also thought it would be good support and hell, let’s make this fun!

Part of me wanted to wait until the hair actually fell out, I mean even though the nurses told me multiple times I would lose my hair, what if I was that totally fluke person that didn’t lose my hair? Either way, if I did lose my hair it would most likely start to fall out a few days after my second chemo cycle, right in the thick of the nausea days. That sounded miserable to be dealing with nausea and have to deal with shaving my head. And I knew I would not be up for a party at that point. On top of that, I did not want to see the hair actually falling out. That would freak me out and be gross. So I took things in my own hands and said I wanted to have it done a day or two before my next chemo cycle.

So the troops were already rallied to do Murph at our gym on Memorial Day. What better place and time to do this then after Murph? I woke up this morning and couldn’t help but think of it and realized I was so glad to be doing this in the gym. This is a place where I continue to see the most amazing support. Living 700 miles away from my family, this is where my Colorado family exists. On top of that, this is also the place that I get to feel my strongest. When I am in the gym I can be humbled, but I can also feel like a badass super strong woman. And that’s the feeling I took with me today. I was going to be GI Jane. Not some sickly cancer patient. 

Murph went way better than expected. Here is the Murph description via Crossfit.com :

"Murph"
For time: 
1 mile Run
100 Pull-ups
200 Push-ups
300 Squats
1 mile Run
In memory of Navy Lieutenant Michael Murphy, 29, of Patchogue, N.Y., who was killed in Afghanistan June 28th, 2005.This workout was one of Mike's favorites and he'd named it "Body Armor". From here on it will be referred to as "Murph" in honor of the focused warrior and great American who wanted nothing more in life than to serve this great country and the beautiful people who make it what it is.Partition the pull-ups, push-ups, and squats as needed. Start and finish with a mile run. If you've got a twenty pound vest or body armor, wear it.

So, this is a staple crossfit workout done on Memorial Day for gyms around the world. I have somehow never done Murph. Today I sort of did Murph. I did the mile run (which technically was 1.2 miles at our gym). Then I did 20 rounds of: 5 pushups, 5 pullups, 5 pushups, 15 airsquats. Which totalled all the reps above! I did have to do the pushups on my knees. And I was pretty exhausted afterwards and knew I would be walking a lot of the last mile run, and since we were short on time I decided to bike the last mile…which was a breeze. It took me 59:23 to do all of this. I was bummed I didn’t do the last mile run, or the pushups RX but I was thrilled to have done all the pullups RX and just glad to do what I could. It felt mostly good!

After Murph the head shaving began and continued on for 2.5 hours. I am so grateful for the amazing people in our life right now. The love, energy and support that we experienced today makes going through this endeavor worth it. A handful of guys shaved their heads and a group of girls did super cool side shaves into their hair. I still can't believe all the people that shaved their heads! 

The Brave ladies! Tasha, Amanda, Tobie, Michelle and Lari

The amazing fellas: Graham,Tony,Connor,Jason,Keith,Mikey,Mark,Hunter,Tim, Lee, Stephen 

Even Lubby got a shave! Poor girl. 

They are all so badass and I can’t even describe the amazing feeling it was to have all that support. On top of it, I didn’t have one bit of sadness. My face is actually sore from laughing and smiling so much. I feel so fortunate to have such a cool community in Carbondale and at my gym, Sopris Crossfit. It's more than a gym, it's a family there and Tony and I are so thankful we found this family and are apart of it! And thank you to my friends (Jon Lipp & Lane Ward) that couldn’t make it to the party, but still shaved their head and sent me photos! That surprise added to the awesomeness of today. 

Genetic Testing Results

On Monday, May 18th I received the results from my genetic testing and it turns out I am positive or I have a mutation in the BRCA1 gene. The information from my doc explains it well, “Women found to have a mutation in BRCA1 have a lifetime risk up to 85% to develop breast cancer.” Yup, been there, have that.  “They also have a 40-60% chance of developing a second primary breast cancer if they have already had breast cancer.  The lifetime risk to develop ovarian cancer is 20-50%.  There may be a small increase in risk for pancreatic cancer.” Well bummer.  Thankfully having a bilateral mastectomy will decrease my risks of developing breast cancer again to 5-10%. This is why Angelina Jolie voluntarily had the preventative mastectomies, and the more I research it the more I learn of other women that have done that. One of which wrote a super cool crossfit article here:

http://boxlifemagazine.com/community/courage-crossfit-and-a-bilateral-mastectomy

Obviously I don’t want to lose my boobs. I actually like my boobs, and I have boobs. Sometimes it pisses me off when I have boobs and can’t wear the super cute strappy Lululemon bras. But overall I would like to keep them. And I would also like to not go through a super intense surgery, mostly for the recovery and what it will do to my pectoral muscles, mobility and strength. But deep down I have been thinking even if I have the option of a lumpectomy I may go the route of a bilateral mastectomy. Just to give myself peace of mind for the rest of my life. So it is what it is and it’s nice to know what caused my cancer. And it is helpful for my family. Now Angie (my sister) will get tested and if she is also positive she can take the necessary steps to ensure she doesn’t develop breast cancer.  And the good news is, if I do the mastectomy then hopefully and most likely I won’t have to do radiation! (As long as no cancer is in the lymph nodes at the time of surgery). 

It's a Chipper

Recently Greg Glassman, the founder and head honcho of Crossfit was interviewed by 60 Minutes. In this interview Greg states the following:  

“Crossfit prepares athletes for the uknown and the unforeseen. Getting ready for war, for an earthquake, getting ready for mugging, getting ready for the horrible knews that you have leukemia. What awaits us all is challenge, that’s for sure.” And damn was he right.

The first week of my chemo cycle went better than expected. Infusion day wasn’t painful and besides peeing red (from the drugs) and actually feeling the drugs go through my body ( a little weird) it was fine. 

Beautiful Valley View Hospital

From Wednesday until Monday morning I experienced mostly “okay days”. I was pleasantly surprised that in the mornings and most of the day I was able to function fairly well. I was even able to eat….mostly mac and cheese those first few days. :) The nausea would usually hit in the later afternoon and stay most of the evening until bed. I would take my anti-nausea pills (compazine first and if needed adavane) and it would definitely keep me from throwing up. I still felt yucky but it was definitely better than having the flu!

As Tom Petty says, “Waiting is the hardest part.” That was the worst part of that first week. They made it clear that it’s best to stay on top of your nausea. So all day every day I was constantly analyzing my body. And even though I wasn’t nauseous in the mornings or during the day, I still felt off. So that was the most exhausting part, trying to differentiate when I had actual nausea that required pills versus just feeling funky. Thankfully there were a few of the days that it was very clear it was time for the meds. I would all of a sudden get a wave of nausea and felt like any second I would puke. I carried my pills around with me so I could pop them at anytime and pray they kicked in before I started throwing up, and they always did!

On Wednesday night (5/13) I did have a panic moment though. They had told me that most of the time people don’t have much reactions to the chemo on day one. Well a few hours after chemo is when my first nausea hit. It wasn’t that bad, but it freaked me out because I couldn’t help but think what the actual bad days would be like if on my good day I was already feeling this way. For most of this journey I haven’t been too freaked out or worried. I just figured there is no point crying over spilt milk. Why freak out when we have no idea how my body will react to everything. That night was the first time I was really worried about what was in store for me in the future. It was the first time I really lost hope and despair. That’s when I decided I needed to treat this experience like a chipper (For noncrossfitters, when you google a chipper it says: A brutal combination of movements at high volume that will seriously test your toughness. Although this is very true, to give you a better idea of what a chipper is: A workout with many reps and many movements (you chip away at it), typically completed in one single round for time.).

When working on a chipper there comes a time when you have that panic moment. You feel so horrible at one movement and all you can think about is all the movements you still have to do. When this happens I try my hardest to banish those thoughts and focus on two things, not how far I have to go, but how far I have already come. Or I focus on my form and technique during each movement. So during treatment I will apply these same principles

And sure enough, the bad days weren’t any worse than that first night. And hell, I even went into the gym on Saturday and Sunday afternoon. They may have been low key workouts, but I was in the gym on my bad day! And I even did some very light hiking with the family. There was hope again. :)

Recovery Week:

On Monday, May 18th I talked with my doctors and they said that in the next day or two the symptoms should hopefully ease up and I will get some days to recover. That was a pleasant surprise! I thought the  days might get better but still be pretty icky. On Tuesday morning I woke up and was out of the chemo fog. It was amazing. You don’t even realize you are in this fog. You know when you are nauseous or having the other symptons like mouth dryness/weirdness, skin and hair being affected, etc. But it wasn’t until Tuesday that I realized I was walking around in a sort of haze. So it felt amazing to come out of that chemo fog!

Tuesday was a funny day though. I was so excited to finally feel good, be out of this chemo fog, and my ovaries were finally normal, which means I could work out!! Yay! So off to the gym I went. I wasn’t feeling quite ready to go to class so I went to open gym and did my own thing. And wow, what a slap to my face. So, I may feel like I am still this super in shape crossfitter, but geez, taking 4-5 weeks off and having chemo still in your system, I am not the same person physically. And I knew that there would be changes and I should just be happy to work out at all, but it was really hard. Crossfit has and is our obsession. Our life, our friends, our community, everything revolves around Crossfit. And the Crossfit regionals are going on right now so all we are doing is watching crossfit and talking about crossfit (not that it's much different other times ;)). And all of a sudden doing crossfit really really sucks.

On Wednesday I woke up still in this really weird mental funk. I kept trying to tell myself to stop being all negative, the bad days went way better than expected and even though my workout on Tuesday was not fun and was quite painful, I was still working out. But no matter what I told myself I couldn’t get out of this negative feeling. I was taking Lubby for a walk, staring at Mt. Sopris, a mountain that usually every time I see it just makes me feel good inside and it did nothing for me. Uh oh.  

  

Then a light bulb went off. It’s the Zoladex (menopause drug) and it’s totally messing with me! They had told me it causes moodiness but I assumed that meant I would just be bitchy to people. It was then that I realized this moodiness was causing me to have this depressed feeling. The remainder of the walk I couldn’t help but feel so sorry for people that deal with depression on a regular basis. That shit sucks. Thankfully having the realization about it helped me a feel a little better, and that night I went to yoga at Sopris Crossfit  with a bunch of my friends and that completely kicked depression in the face and I was back to my positive, happy-go-lucky self. On top of that, yoga went a thousand times better than my intense crossfit workout yesterday. It felt so good!

Thursday-Sunday have been really good too! I got back in the gym on Thursday and just decided I would work on strength, gymnastics, and other things and I wouldn’t do very many metcons or intense workouts. Then Saturday morning I couldn’t help but go to our 7 AM competitors WOD. I had a whole escape plan figured out if the workout (which was a team workout) didn’t go well. But I never had to use it! As a team we did two of the regionals workouts and I felt and did great! Definitely not as good as I would have done 45 days ago. But I ran, I did a ton of snatches, rope climbs and wall balls! It felt so good to be back in love with doing crossfit again. And now I know, perhaps on my first day out of the chemo fog I shouldn’t push it so hard.

All in all- recovery week is obviously way better  than week one after chemo infusions. But so far week one hasn’t been horrible and I hope that it continues to be this way. Mentally I have told myself that regardless of how they go, I really only have 15-18 more “bad days”! I can do that! Just chip away, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if I must. 

Gratitude

I have mentioned it before. Getting sick is not enjoyable, but the love and support you receive from everyone really comforts you! It's amazing when you are healthy because you know you have great friends and family. But when you get sick, you really see it in full force and it helps make the journey that much better!

Today my closest girlfriends from Idaho sent me a box.... a very heavy box, full of amazing goodies, including a journal with heartfelt notes from each one, which of course made me cry and laugh, a lot. The research they did on each item they sent me, the messages they shared, and the love they were able to package up and ship 700 miles means so much to me. So thank you Ashley, Kim, Michelle, Sidekick (Caitlin), and Katie. You are so amazing. And on my hard days I will look to your words of comforts, and on all the other days I will gladly enjoy all these delicious treats. You guys know me well, Acai chocolate covered blueberries?? Yes please!

I also want to thank my brother, Mike and sister-in-law, Katie who also sent me a fun box of goodies. Katie is very fashionable so her head coverings and hats she picked out will help ease the goofiness of hair loss. And the massage sent from my sister, Angie and brother-in-law, Tim will be well enjoyed soon. I of course want to thank my parents, Rick & Jeanette who helped Tony and I preserve the gift of having children one day. And for driving to Colorado...again....to come help us. When you are sick, you can't help but still want your mom, no matter how old you are and I am thankful to have both my mom and dad. And knowing we also have Tony's parents wanting to help makes us feel very prepared to deal with this!

And to all my other friends, family, and even strangers that have shown me kindness through messages, calls, cards, hugs, and even a friendly smile. These go a very long way so thank you!

Thank you also to Meredith Carter and all my Colorado friends for the future meals you'll be dropping off to feed Tony and I. :) Thank you to Sopris Crossfit for all the support and help you have given us. It's amazing to have so much love for one place. To those that do not crossfit, just imagine it's like a church or a club that you draw all your support, energy, friends and spend ridiculous amounts of time at. For those that do crossfit, I hope you have an amazing box like I do, because it makes all the difference!

I also want to thank my amazing team at work. It has been so nice to have a job that keeps me busy! I don't have time to be sad or freaked out, we got houses to sell! And my team has been so amazing and supportive through this already. So thank you Christina, Lane, Michelle, Zori and Karin! And thanks for keeping us busy so that each day I can just focus on work. For the past 2 years I have really loved working at home, but now being able to work in my comfy sweats will be that much nicer. Sorry team, I know you guys thought I got dressed up and beautified each day. ;)

Lastly I want to thank those that have supported breast cancer research. I feel so grateful to be dealing with a cancer that is so understood and that is only because of all the people that have taken part in the races, the fundraisers, the events and so on. So thank you! And thank you to all the amazing doctors. From our fertility docs, oncologists, nurses, to the admins that deal with our constant calls and questions, you help ease our fears and concerns and also help us believe we are going to beat this thing!

Well I don't think I am ready to give an Oscar Thank You speech just yet. But I am sure I will have many more gratitude posts to practice with. Either way, please know I am forever grateful for all of you that have already done so much for us. We love you.

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor, Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.

Menopause Drug:

So I spent 2 weeks pumping my body full of drugs to produce eggs, enlarge my ovaries and all that jazz. Then on Monday 5/4/15 I went to VVH and was given my injection of zoladex, or what I like to call my menopause drug. From one extreme to the other. So far I haven’t had any side effects! The only side effects I am having are my super enlarged ovaries which are not allowing me to work out for another 3 weeks! I am going crazy with that idea. How do people not work out? It just makes you so happy and feel so healthy. The things we do for our future children! Next stop is the chemo infusion, which I am ready to start! I want to start attacking this cancer. 

Collapse:

Thursday morning at 12:30 AM I woke up feeling weird. I had some cramping, some constipation, and just overall tenderness going on around my lower abdomen. After multiple attempts of going to the bathroom, with being slightly successful I am still feeling worse and worse and getting shaky. I decide I should probably wake Tony up at this point. I stand in the doorway of our bedroom and quietly say his name. No response. I am losing energy and know I need to get him up asap. So I scream his name. Poor guy. He jolts awake and instantly knows things are not good. For the medical professional that he is, he asks me questions and tries to assess the situation. I'm not giving him a lot to go on because I really don't know what the crap is going on with my body. We end up back in our bathroom and thankfully he was standing next to me because I faint. Yup, full on collapse from a standing position to the ground. Again, being a great Physical Therapist that he is, he's trained in catching people and thankfully he did. For me it felt like a dream, I could hear him talking to me and feel him holding me. For him I think it was a lot more intense. 

I don't think I looked this cute when I fainted. 

It was a long night of questions and a few moments of wondering if we should visit the ER. We waited until the morning and called the docs. No one really knows what the crap happened. They didn't think the zoladex would be in my system yet. The fertility docs didn't think it had anything to do with their drugs. Tony was super sick with the flu a few days earlier and all day Thursday I felt pretty crappy so I wondered if perhaps I got a touch of that? Who knows, but since then I haven't fainted again.  Tony and I did create a gameplan for Thursday while he was at work. If I felt light headed at all, I was supposed to just hit the ground. Like full on Stop. Drop. And Roll. style....without the roll. And Lubby & Conway made sure to keep an eye on me too. 

The weekend came and I was finally able to get outside and enjoy the town I love. We hiked some, did a very light,controlled, not intense workout, which felt AMAZING to be back in the gym and spent the afternoon in Aspen with friends. In a few days we begin chemo and I am so ready to start killing this cancer! 

Time out: What about the Babies??

Apparently chemo is harsh on your ovaries, who woulda thought? So my amazing docs made it clear that I should talk with a fertility clinic. Well I called and got the prices for the Denver clinic and even though they were discounted I immediately said that’s not happening. Insurance does not cover fertility. Which is fair.

My mom and sister  mentioned I should look at the Boise clinic though. Because you also have to go in daily for checkups and so I could easily stay with my parents, go into the office at work and still do this. We called and got quotes and they give a really good discount to cancer patients. Still pretty pricey but compared to Denver it was more doable, especially to just freeze eggs.

I had a phone consultation on Sunday the 19^th with Dr. Maas at the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine. He is so knowledgeable and gave me a great crash course in egg vs. embryo freezing 101.

My docs said they feel it was safe and fine to take 2 weeks delay on attacking the cancer so that I could do fertility stuff. It’s so awesome they were so informative and open about the fertility stuff. If you know anyone that gets diagnosed before they are done having kids. PLEASE, PLEASE MENTION TO THEM THAT THEY SHOULD TALK TO THEIR DOC OR A FERIITLY CLINIC ABOUT THEIR OPTIONS. So many people do not get told it could cause problems and then are in for a rude and painful awakening when they have finally beat cancer and are ready to begin a family. Not all docs mention these concerns with their patients and that’s not okay.

About Monday the 20^th at 6PM we decided we should do it. We were driving home from Denver after my port surgery and decided if we have this opportunity (thanks to the help of family) then we should do this.

Dr. Borges said we are probably 2-3 years out from trying for kids. Bummer. But thankfully I am still young and will still be in child bearing years so hopefully we will just be able to conceive the old fashioned way- lucky Tony! :)

I will also be taking a drug called zoladex (goserelin). It is an ovary suppressant which means it’s going to tell my brain to stop talking to my ovaries and send me into menopause.

Possible Side effects:

• Hot flashes
• Weight gain
• Moodiness-I am sorry to my friends and family that have to deal with me the next 5 months. 
• And a long list of random others. 

Benefits:

• It will shut my ovaries down and protect them in the hopes of bearing children in the future. 

This is a very new area of research and there is no real understanding of it and whether it really does a whole lot. But in one study it helped a handful of women conceive so let’s do it!

Boise & Baby Making

I immediately drove to Boise on Tuesday and perhaps that wasn’t the wisest thing to do after having a port procedure done 24 hours prior. I didn’t think about it until I was a few hours into my drive and I was in the middle of nowhere. My mind started to wander and think about my port, which then made me be more aware of the port and the weirdness of it. It didn’t hurt but just felt odd. Then that random thought crossed my mind of, what would I do if something happened to my port just now and I needed to go to the hospital? I’m like in the middle of nowhere with no cell service. Oops, bad time to have that thought. The next few hour were a little tense as I tried to calm myself down and tell myself nothing is wrong and nothing will go wrong.

On Wednesday afternoon my mom, sister and I headed to the fertility clinic together. We thought we would be meeting with someone to talk a little more about the plans but they immediately took me into a room (my mom and sis followed) and said, “please strip from the waist down and sit on the bed”. Next to the bed was a very long ultrasound probe. Mmm…I wonder where that is going to go?  After she left I stared at my family and laughed. I guess they’re straight to the point.

The first day was full of very quick info on what to expect, what my schedule would be for the next 10-14 days and a crash course on how to mix saline and drugs and give yourself a shot in the stomach.

I am not someone that likes or does well with shots. I have never donated blood because I am such a wuss. But when you get diagnosed with cancer you kind of have to get over that shit. You have to get used to IVs, pokes, prods, being touched and felt up.

They sent me on my way and said to come back Saturday but to make sure to do my shots each morning. So each morning I mixed my baby making drugs, stabbed myself in my belly fat and felt it flow into me. Go little drugs, make my ovaries grow!

They had told me common side effects are headaches, irritable, bloating, weight gain, discomfort in ovary (lower belly ) area and being emotional-easy to cry. For 3-4 days I kept just waiting for those effects to hit me, especially headaches since I usually get those so easy. And finally I had to remind myself that just because they are common and typical doesn't mean they’ll be common for me, so just be glad if they don’t come and if they do then deal with it then. And for the most part they never came! I definitely had bloating and I think weight gain. Then again the weight gain could have been a combination of the drugs, the fact that I had to take 2 weeks off from working out and well, I was in Boise going out to eat so my diet wasn't the best. Whatever, my body is about to go through so many changes and the important point is I will live and come back stronger! And thankfully right before this happened I was in the best shape of my entire life.

Overall the fertility experience was just fine. Daily checkups that involved long probs stuck where the sun don’t shine, and lots of blood draws. And my body was reacting wonderfully they said, especially considering the fact they had to start me on these drugs at not the most opportune time to my natural body’s process. Science these days.

Thursday the 30^th of April we really analyzed my body and the follicles (which gives them an indication of my egg count). And although I was progressing and reacting really well, they were thinking we would only get 10-14 eggs. Dr. Maas broke that down through all the different attrition rates that will take place during the process and ultimately it was factored out that if everything went on average, if we just did egg freezing we would have 2-3 embryos at the end ready for transfer. And we wouldn't know that until it came time to needing the embryos and thawing the eggs (so in the future years). Where if we did embryo freezing it would be 4-5 embryos most likely and we would know within a week, prior to our freeze how many of them will most likely survive and be available for transfer. So that creates a really big piece of mind for the upcoming years, which might be really nice.

Transfer of embryos is done 2 embryos at a time and that success rate is 60% chance of pregnancy. Those odds don’t seem that great, that’s like a D and I never get a D! But apparently if you were to take two 20 year olds, a male and a female who have perfect fertility and have sex daily, they only have 25% chance to get preggers. Pretty crazy considering all the accidental pregnancies. Obviously they get to retry multiple times, where once we’re out of embryos we are out. But at least we have a higher percentage it will work.The downfall of embryo is it costs more and then we need Tony, or part of Tony :) in the clinic.

So we decided to do it. It will end up being about $2800 more upfront than the egg freezing, but for an additional $2800 we are going to have a really good piece of mind. And if we end up needing to use them in the future then we will actually save money.

Next task is to bring the sperm, I mean Tony to Boise. So, we made the decision to do embryo on Friday the 1^st of May. Well at 2:30 AM on May 1^st, poor Tony woke up and spent the whole night throwing up. He went to work for a few hours and they sent him home where he tried to recover on the couch. Then his darling wife that he missed oh so much calls to tell him he needs to come to Boise, within 24 hours.

I look for flights and find a few out of Grand Junction. But my dad was actually in Salt Lake area driving towards Tony. The original plan was for egg freezing and then my mom would drive to Colorado with me so that I didn’t make the 11 hour drive alone after my surgery. We would drive down on Sunday the 3^rd or Monday the 4^th. My dad was already in Idaho Falls on 5/1 so he figured rather than driving back to Boise and then down to Carbondale he would just go straight to Carbondale on Friday. I called him as soon as we made the decision to tell him he could just turn around and we would fly Tony to Idaho and he would drive home with me. Long story short, my dad decided to drive another 4 hours towards Tony and meet him in Grand Junction and drive him back to Idaho by Saturday. So for 10 hours and an overnight stay in a hotel room my dad and sick husband journeyed their way towards Boise. I am sure they had some funny conversations.

Sunday morning Tony and I went to the fertility clinic. He did his thing and before I was put under I was told we had a great sperm count. Yay! Go Tony! That was the exact thing I wanted to hear before I was put under. :)

I did not disappoint either. They had hoped to get 10-14 eggs upon retrieval and they ended up with 18. Woop woop!

After surgery we hopped in the car and made the 10 hour drive back home. 

Monday the 4^th the eggs were fertilized and 14 of them were successfully fertilized. It’s so crazy to think about what is actually taking place and that our possible future children could have been created that day.

Wednesday the 6^th they called with an update on how many made it to day 3 embryos. 13 of them made it. Yay!

The last step before freezing is getting them to day 5 embryos and this is when you lose the most of them. They called us on 5/8 and told us that 8 were day 5 blastocysts and would be frozen. So now for the next few years we can rest assured that we have that many embryos available for transfer if we need them.

The future plan is to have my body tested after I am done with chemo to see how much damage was caused. Then once we are given the clear to conceive we will get to it. If it’s just not working, then at some point we will decide to finish with the invitro process and have the embryos thawed and transferred.

Okay, the question everyone seems to ask- what’s the likelihood of multiples? Well they prefer to transfer two embryos at a time because it’s a more successful percentage, but it does increase our chance of twins by 20%. But honestly, if I am having problems getting pregnant and I am getting older, then I don’t care. I would rather have twins then only one child or no children. So if it happens then we might be one and done! Now, if I have more than 2 at a time then that is not cool and not okay! 

Kicking Cancer’s Ass

Step one: Port & MRI- Monday April 20^th

Thanks to my dad we were able to enjoy a super fancy steak dinner at Elways in Denver the night before. Tony was in food heaven! I enjoyed a steak myself but I especially enjoyed the dessert. :) 



The worst part of the Port procedure was not getting to drink water 6 hours prior. As you all know us Days are weirdos about our water. We are never without our Nalgene bottles and I drink water all day long, usually at least once in the night and definitely first thing in the morning. I was not thrilled that I couldn’t have any water after 6 AM. But it is what it is. The best part is, I didn’t have to wake up until 6:30 AM. At 5:58 AM I woke up naturally, looked at the clock, did a fist pump in the air and downed some water! I had 2 minutes to enjoy the glorious H20, which I took full advantage.

The port was a piece of cake. I was put under so  I didn’t feel anything! I had a nice conversation with the nurse that got me prepped, she had breast cancer recently and told me not to worry. They had told me I might be awake for it or I might be out. The second I felt groggy I pushed to fall asleep. Again, out of sight out of mind for Kelli.

Tony met me after in the recovery room with a delicious bagel- it had been awhile since I made my body go that long without any breakfast and it was letting me know that. As for the port, I wasn’t in pain, I felt fine and was good to go. 

That afternoon I had a breast MRI and that was a different story. After waiting for over an hour (one of their machines broke). They told me that I may not want to have an MRI that day since my port was so fresh and I would have to lay on it. Oh thanks guys. Well sorry, I am here and I am not coming back to Denver (which is 3 hours from where we live) so let’s try it. Thankfully it was fine as far as pain of the port.

I am claustrophobic. I have never had to really test that but when big Tony wraps me in a blanket and sits on me I do not like it, even knowing I could escape whenever I needed. So I was really really really not excited about the MRI but like everything else on this journey you just got to learn to get through things and accept it. 

About 10 minutes into the scan the tech stops the scan and starts to talk to me through the headphones I have on. Umm,  a little weird. She starts to ask me questions about my chemo and when will it begin. I didn’t know why she was pausing the test to ask me these things and I sure wished she would have asked these questions prior to the scan but okay.

About 5 minutes later she stops me again and actually comes into the room to start to ask me about my treatment plan.

This happens about 3 more times and I am starting to flip shit. All I can think is that they’re reading my tests and not seeing good stuff and that’s why they’re actually stopping to ask me this stuff. Why else would they have not asked me prior to the test? This is making it really hard to stay still and not have a full on panic attack. The MRI was horrible. If you have to get an MRI sometime, it won’t be horrible, you’ll be just fine, just know they aren’t actually reading your results right then and there.

Afterward she told me that apparently I was on day 3 of my period which she noticed after she began the test. I guess they never do breast MRIs on the third day of a period because your boobs look different. So she had to call the radiologist to ask what she wanted to do and the radiologist needed those questions answered to eventually decide that my cancer diagnosis overruled that random 3 day rule. So no, they were not reading or analyzing my scans at all. But man did that stress me out!

The next day I got the results back and it came back great. There was no other cancer spotted outside of that one lump for either breasts.

Step Two: Chemo-begins 5/13/15

I will go through 8 weeks of A/C, which stands for two drugs: Adriamycin and Cytoxan. This will be given to me every other week for 8 weeks (4 total doses) via my port. I will do this at Valley View Hospital, which is like a super rich ski lodge. Apparently these 8 weeks will be the worst. These are the harshest drugs and will affect me the worst (meaning possible fatigue, nausea, etc.). I will lose my hair about 2-3 weeks after chemo begins.

After this 8 week plan I will then do weekly doses of paclitaxel (aka: taxel) for 12 weeks. This drug is a lot nicer and so things should be a lot better during these 12 weeks.So that’s it, I just got to get through 8 crappy weeks of chemo and then "smooth sailing" for 12 weeks. 

Step Three: Surgery & Radiation
After chemo I will do surgery and what surgery I do will depend on the chemo and a few other things. Depending on what surgery I choose will determine if I do radiation or not. 

Slowly Spreading the Word

At this point we had a bigger grasp on what we were working with as far as my cancer went. And I didn’t want to share it to the world…okay, the facebook world until I could get this blog started and rolling. But we felt ready to tell some friends. Most of you know, I’m an open book. You can ask me whatever you like and I will happily share it with you, sometimes in too much detail. Sorry.

We had a crossfit comp scheduled for 10 days away with some peeps, seeing as this would take place after my port we decided the first people to share it with would be those two amazing people. So within a few days the Sopris Crossfit crew knew and that was just fine! We just didn’t have time to call everyone individually so it didn't bother me that it spread quickly to everyone. I was thankful and extremely grateful for all the amazing support we were immediately given. It made us love our small town community even more. A lot of Idaho friends may wonder why I don’t come back to Idaho where my family is for this adventure. I promise, we have the most amazing support system in Colorado and lots of friends that will keep me active and healthy, which is important during chemo.

I then sent a facebook message to some other very important Idaho and Colorado folks that aren't part of the Sopris gym. They too were amazing and so supportive!

A meal train was started by Meredith Carter and I will say that I am so stoked for this. I don’t expect anyone to do this, but woohoo! Tony and Kelli aren't the best cooks so I can’t wait to learn some new stuff. And well, you all know how much my hubby eats so this will possibly be the best thing for him. So thank you for everyone that is participating in that, we already really appreciate it. 

And thank you to everyone else that have sent the supportive texts, calls, cards and hugs. Getting cancer may suck, but a benefit is experiencing all the love and support from those you care about. 

Diagnosis

The Call: Thursday April 9, 2015

 About 9:30 AM I receive a call from Dr. Smith (my main doc). Instantly I know this is probably not good because they said we wouldn't know the results for a few days and if they already know less than 24 hours, well that doesn't seem good. Sure enough he was calling to tell me that they did find cancer. I spend a few minutes talking with him. I didn’t cry and I don’t think I was in shock, I was just a typical Kelli saying, “okay, well what’s next? What do we do now?” I think he thought I was in shock as he kept pausing and it seemed he was waiting for me to start crying. I’m too task oriented. Let’s move on, move forward and start the process rolling.

        Next step was sharing the news. I call Tony who’s at work and he doesn't answer. Mmm….I guess I will call the next person I always call when I have big news, my mom. Which she of course answers. We talk for about 15 minutes and she was just like me, didn't even cry, just very task oriented and how /what do we need to do. That’s why I love her. As I am finishing the convo with my mom, Tony calls back. 

            I love my husband. He has been such a rock and so amazing through all of this. He deals with things a little differently than me. He is not a task oriented person and his emotions play a much bigger part in his life and I love him for that. We make a great team because we compliment each other so well. After sharing the news with him, he doesn’t cry, freak out or do anything, he just calmly says, “I am going to do my next eval and then I will head home and spend the rest of the day with you.” Again, I am a task oriented person and my tasks for that day are to work, so I can’t help but think that it’s silly to take the day off, we should just both work and hang out tonight. Again, not much for sentimental feelings  in my life.  Tony was right, we should and we did take the day off to be together.

  

     Tony apparently had an easier time crying. As he describes it, he got off the phone and tried to finish up with his current patient (who was almost done), but he just started crying and had to immediately leave. The drive home ( a 30 minute commute) was apparently the longest drive of his life and it was not a dry eyed one. 

     I called my mom back to finish our convo and tell her Tony was coming home. Which made her tear up and cry, so then I finally cried, more because it was so sweet that he was coming home to comfort me. So I have nothing against crying. I actually cry really easily over commercials and movies and those little cute facebook clips that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But when it came to my diagnosis, I was all business.  

           Long story short, Tony and I took the day off work (thanks bosses) and hiked Mushroom rock, ate at the Smithey, worked out…well I couldn't work out so I just hung out the gym, and got our life in order as far as doc appointments. 

Although we live in a small town there is a great hospital in our area. But my doc set me up to see this team of professionals at University of Colorado Hospital in Aurora. Dr. Virginia Borges is there and she heads up the department and her specialty is breast cancer in young women. We were stoked to have such an amazing team and resource so close! We were scheduled to see the entire team on Tuesday morning.

     We did decide to share the news with our immediate family. I contemplated waiting until after Tuesday when we had more information because I didn’t want them to freak out and stress all weekend, but we also knew they would like to know. 

        

     My doc did call me back at one point and I tried to ask him how “serious” this was, like should I be scared for my life or what? Which of course I was terrified to ask that question but I hoped he would alleviate my concerns for the weekend. He said to me, “well, your cancer is invasive, which is worse than non-invasive. And your cancer is non-deferential, which is worse than differential. So it’s the “real deal’”.  

            That still didn't tell me much but the phrase “the real deal” definitely freaked me out some. I also wondered if he was saying that to me because I was so calm and nonchalant about everything and he was trying to imply that this is going to be a long road ahead of us. I spent the weekend pondering that phrase.

The weekend:

Things were fine. No things were great! Friday I went in and did the crossfit workout Isabell (30 snatches at 135/95). Probably not my fastest time since I was still trying to go a little easy because of my biopsy procedure. But it felt good to move. We went to dinner with friends that night and I laughed and had a great time. Yes, I had cancer on my mind most of the time. But I laughed freely and was not putting on any sort of face with these great people.

A True Colorado Saturday:

     Saturday morning we went and did our 7 AM competitors workout. It was awesome! There was like 15 of the most awesome people there. It was a partner workout and I was able to do everything and felt great. I took it a little easy on the muscle up part since my doc specifically told me to be careful with muscle ups. It felt so good to push hard in the workout though. After that I went and hiked Arbanny Kittle with Amanda and Carly. Again, this felt so awesome. It was beautiful outside and it was Lubby’s birthday! We needed to celebrate outside. After an hour of relaxing at home I got all our bike stuff ready, picked Tony up from work (he was covering a Saturday shift for someone) and we rode Prince Creek. 

Saturday night got a little rough. Some of the reality of the situation set in and I had a few concerning thoughts. I was still staying positive and not freaking out, but because there was so much unknown that weekend I couldn’t help but think of the worst. But once I thought of the worst, I made a gameplan in my head of how I would tackle it (again, task oriented). I decided that I already was that .01% (remember 99.99% chance I had a benign tumor), so if they told me I only had 1% chance to live, well I would fight like hell. That way the next person who got diagnosed like me would be told they have a 2% chance! Once I made that up in my mind I felt better and got back to spending my time thinking about how I wouldn’t be worst case, we had a guardian angel looking out for us and there is a reason I got the biopsy done so we caught it early enough. And I also focused on how lucky I was. I am not dead in a car crash, I am not in a horrific accident that leaves me paralyzed, I have a type of cancer that is extremely understand and researched, I have an amazing support team, including badass super knowledgeable doctors. And hell, I just spent 3 years of my life training my body physically and mentally for knowing how to suffer and just duck my head and get the work done. This is going to be just one big crossfit workout. Perhaps like 14.5. I mean, I crawled a lot during that workout so if I have to crawl my way to being cancer free, no problem, as long as I get it done.  

       Back to the weekend of the unknowns. So Sunday we went to closing day at Highlands. Holy shit. If you love snow, snowboarding, skiing, costumes, partying, people watching, sun, and/or good times you should come to this next year! It was the ultimate party and so fun!! There were “pop up parties” all over the mountain. Just random people that were partying on the side of the mountain. Pretty awesome and entertaining!!

Monday night we drove to Denver and Tuesday was the big day full of answers. 

Tuesday- Dr. Borges’ team

   

     First off, I was so stoked to be meeting with a “team”. All day long at work I preach the team concept and the benefits of it. Everyone is great at certain areas and alone we can only accomplish so much. But by working together we can be one amazing and great real estate team. And this is exactly what Dr. Borges’ team was. So that day we met with:

• Dr. Borges: the head honcho, badass, wicked smart doc who specializes in seeing people just like me (which sounds like there aren't that many). She covered things like:
•  What we were thinking as far as treatment plans and where I could do what (Valley View Hospital in Glenwood vs Denver). She actually worked very closely with the Valley View Hospital docs and recommended a specific oncologist to see  there so they would be able to work together on my case.  
• Dr. Borges also helped alleviate our fears about my cancer. I told her I didn’t care if I lost my boobs, my hair or how sick I would be, I just wanted to live. She just kept saying she isn't worried about that, she is just worried about how happy I will be in the future and making sure we do the right steps to make that the most possible.
• Erin, the nurse coordinator. This chick is super rad. She is like the ultimate “secretary”. She’s a nurse so she is much more than that. I could ask her questions and she was always on point with answers. But her job was to be a coordinator, so she coordinated who  would be the next to come and go, she was running around stetting me up for tests, and doing a bazillion other things I am sure I never saw. She’s a stud.
• Dr. Kounalakis- surgeon. She’s the lady that will do my lumpectomy or mastectomy. She said that based on where the lump is there is a good chance we’ll be able to just do a lumpectomy but I may choose to do a mastectomy instead. Those decisions will get made later.
• Plastic Surgeon- if I do the mastectomy or double she’ll be involved getting me back to those luscious boobies. J . She gave us a great powerpoint presentation and I will say quite a few of the ladies looked better in their after photos. Okay to clarify, the reconstructed boobs aren't going to look like fake boobs, they won’t look that nice. But they look pretty freaking good! She did tell me it could be a little damage to my peck muscle, which of course I instantly thought about crossfit and what that would do to movements that require the pectoral muscle. 
• Radiologist team. We didn't talk too long with them because if we do radiology it will probably be in Glenwood.
• Genetic counselor. That was the last meeting so our brains weren't functioning that much by this point, and when she got super detailed it got a little much. Either way, I know she will call me in the future to discuss it after my genetic testing results come back.
• Some random students that asked to use my info for a study. Which I am all for! Since there aren't that many people diagnosed so young they don’t have much information/studies on this. So I am more than happy to have my information shared to give knowledge into all of this.
• The day also consisted of blood draws, mammograms and  I also had a “clip” placed inside my tumor. They performed a similar procedure to my biopsy, but rather than take samples they placed an extremely small metal clip, which mine of course was in the shape of a ribbon. This is done because when I go through chemo they could shrink my tumor so much they can’t find it anymore. And they want to make sure to remove the diseased area at surgery. Follow the ribbon docs!

So that was our day. We got scheduled to come back the following Monday for port install and an MRI. We spent the rest of the week kicking ass at crossfit and moving forward with life.