So cycle two actually went better than cycle one as far as physical symptoms go. I didn't have as much nausea and the mouth sores seemed better. I also didn't have as many hot flashes, which I think my friends were slightly sad about because they didn't receive as many funny picture messages, like the photo below. This was me during cycle one during a hot flash. That cooling mask was a life saver, but I felt like Bane (from Batman) each time I wore it.
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| Lubby's reaction when she woke up and saw my face mask. So concerned about it. |
Some physical symptoms that were worse though were my muscles aching. I could feel the chemo affecting my msucles. You know how some kids get growing pains, they just wake up saying their body hurts and it's growing pains? Well I felt like I had the opposite, like muscle deteriorating pains. And as an athlete that was mentally really hard.
I had two days (Monday the 1st and Tuesday the 2nd ) of hating life. I was in such a deep dark despair those few days. To the point of feeling like I will never get back to normal and will spend the rest of the chemo feeling horrible every day. And I sit there and tell myself, "what the crap is your problem, it's not that bad and you are fine." But no matter what I said or did it wouldn't help those days. It felt like the workout Karen (150 wallballs for time). Each time you threw the ball up you get a moment of respite and feeling okay. And you start to feel optimistic that it's going to get better and be okay. And then bam! It hits you again and knocks you back down. Over, and over, and over again. You just have to continue to take the beat down until it's done. And as Tony said to me, it's like we are at round 3 of a 5 round workout. You lose all hope and feel like you'll never be able to do this. But by round 4 and especially round 5 you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And as one of my favorite crossfitters recently posted:
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| The Only Way Out is Through! |
And because I can't help but love these instagram posts here are two others I read when I'm feeling down.
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| "Every sunset brings the promise of a new dawn." -Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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| Pain is Temporary. Eventually it will subside. If I quite however, it lasts forever. |
And lastly, for everyone that has sent me cards, inspirational letters, texts, emails, care packages, etc. I add them all to this book and flip through it on my bad days! So thank you!
The cause of feeling so down and out, I am sure was a combination of many things that caused this. First off, the zoladex (menopause drug) can make you moody. Check. Then I am sure with all the different symptoms of chemo it was adding to it. But I also would sit there and try to rationalize the symptoms and think about how they aren't that bad. Which then just made me feel worse for being such a baby. And lastly, setting expectations. Going into cycle one I was prepared for many days of feeling horrible and having flu like symptoms all day long. It ended up being okay though, not great but manageable. And by Monday and Tuesday after chemo I was starting to feel a lot better. So with cycle two, I had these expectations of how it should go, then it went better in the beginning so I was really optimistic for Monday and Tuesday. I woke up those days and I would tell myself, today will be a good day, you're going to feel good today, and then it went downhill quickly and crushed my hopes. So moving forward I want to continue to have a positive attitude and hope for the best, but plan/prepare for the worst!
But cycle two wasn't all bad. It was just those two days. The other days went a lot better than last time! Here's a timeline of how each day went.
Tuesday the 26th:
What a great day this was! It was the day before infusion so it's usually when I feel the best. I worked all day helping some wonderful buyers and sellers in Boise. Then I went to crossfit and did the workout RX! It was 105# hang power cleans, which is probably my favorite barbell movement. It felt so good to do a workout RX and do fairly okay at it! Mostly it just felt good to throw around a heavy barbell.
Wednesday the 27th: Infusion Day 2.
I woke up feeling a little icky and I knew it must be mental. I'd been fine for days so I didn't worry too much about it. My mom and I went for a nice 45 minute hike up Grizzly Creek and then we headed to the hospital. Infusion day 2 went good. It was a lot quicker than last time. My doctor did mention that a lot of people can get nauseous just coming to the hospital, it's like Pavlov's dogs. Subconsciously our bodies know we are about to poison ourselves and send us in to a week of nausea and fatigue, so we may feel nauseous thinking about or showing up to the hospital. He actually told me of one gentleman who was so sick from chemo, one of the worst to have side effects and years later he was in a supermarket and his oncologist walked in and the dude just puked all over the floor. Glad that I am not that sick from chemo.
Anyways, cycle one I got sick 3-4 hours after I was done with the infusion. Doc said that I should expect probably the same symptoms and timing of the symptoms so that night I went about my business but in the back of my mind was waiting to get hit around 4:30. It never happened! I mean, I didn't feel great, but I never got super nauseous to the point of needing my meds. Yippee! I figured Thursday night it might hit.
Thursday 28th & Friday 29th:
No nausea! Again, I didn't feel great, but I wasn't super sick either.
Saturday 30th:
On Saturday we went to Laripalooza (my friend Lari's birthday party) at a park for 3-4 hours. It felt great to be outside in the sun (with lots of sunscreen or a hat on my head) hanging out with friends and eating some good food! I kept analyzing my body and making sure I wasn't pushing it, but I was feeling okay. Once I got home I was a little nauseaous for the first time and took my first anti-nausea med of cycle two.
Sunday the 31st:
Besides going to the Smithy we laid pretty low. So we spent a lot of time on the couch which made our furry animals rather happy. They are always pretty ridiculous but they've been a step above lately, but I am not complaining! And I decided I would also revert back to my nerdy Kelli days and get addicted to video games again, Zelda and Mario on N64. And beating Tony at MarioKart always brightens my day.
Monday the 1st and Tuesday the 2nd: The Dark Days
As I mentioned these were not good days. And my poor mom. She head left Tuesday morning to drive back to Boise but about 40 minutes after she left I started to feel really horrible. I sat there thinking how I shouldn't call her because in 15 minutes it would pass and I would be fine. But at the same time I just felt physically and mentally miserable. Since Tony was at work I decided to just call her to get comfort over the phone. She was in Rifle and pulled off the freeway to talk about everything. She kept saying she was more than happy to come back and stay another day. I felt silly because I knew I would be fine and that seemed dumb to have her come back. But at the same time, I really wanted my mom to come comfort me. She kept saying this is what she was in town for and she had the schedule that allowed this. So back she came.
And it was so great having her come back! We decided that we needed a gameplan for my diet. The first few days after chemo I just survive on what sounds the best, which is usually a lot of macaroni and cheese, toast, and bananas. But once I start feeling somewhat well enough I really try to add in some healthier items. And I also get to a point where I have to eat every two hours or I get nauseous. It's like clockwork. If I don't pay attention to the time and it's been two hours, my body starts to feel horrible. But as long as I stay on top of eating something I feel fairly okay. I feel like a pregnant lady! So my mom stayed home and put together lots of salads for me to just have on hand, as well as a bunch of cooked chopped up chicken to throw into the salads. This was such a lifesaver for the week after she left. I didn't have to think about what to eat all day long. And I ate healthy delicious salads all week for lunch and amazing dinners from all our super supportive friends. I am telling you, if you ever have a friend dealing with an illness or situation in life, create a meal train. It is AMAZING.
She ended up leaving that afternoon to go to Grand Junction and stay with some good family friends. Tony was home that night with me and it was really great to get some KT time with him.
By Wednesday I was feeling well enough to go to Yoga at the gym. Thursday I did a light workout and Friday I was back at it! I was doing class at the gym and feeling much better. Physically I was good and mentally I was great! I even did 85# Hang Power Snatches and Toes-2-Bar!
Saturday June 6th:
A few months back I started a monthly girls WOD (workout of the day) to bond with other ladies and gyms in the valley. We have a different gym host the workout each month. So Saturday I went to the monthly girls workout hosted by Roaring Fork Crossfit and it felt so good to be surrounded by all those women. Here's a picture of the Sopris girls representing:
After the workout Tony and I shaved my head, full on cue-ball style! He did great and didn't cut me once and thankfully I didn't get any razor burn either. My skin is so tender and white though. It's impressive how white it is!
Sunday the 7th:
Tony and I went for a big adventurous day. We hiked, we did a scenic drive over Independence Pass to Leadville where we had some lunch and played some cards and then we went to our first Costco trip in Colorado. It was a great day and made me feel like Team KT! (The fun adventurous KT).
Monday the 8th:
I did my first "intense" workout! It was a sprinty workout (thrusters and sumo-deadlight-high-pulls) that was all about conditioning and I pushed it harder than I have other workouts. I got a little caught up in the class and who was there. It was a lot of people I normally workout with and I couldn't help but try to stay with them for the first few rounds. Then I had a reality check and reminded myself to slow down. I still did good though, and more importantly I felt good. I finally allowed myself to go to that next gear, to a piece of that "dark place" you go to during workouts.
Tuesday the 9th:
I went again to crossfit class and pushed it hard! I even did burpees, the first time in 10 weeks for those suckers. And I would love to say those felt wonderful, but they're burpees....It did feel good to push it again and feel strong.
Wednesday the 10th:
I decided to keep cracking out on crossfit! So Becca and Gina, Tony's sister and mom arrived Tuesday night and we all went to the 7 AM class at Sopris before my chemo infusion #3. It was 3 rounds of 21 pullups and 7 Overhead Squats (OHS). And the prewod was working up to a heavy 3 rep OHS max. And my 3 rep for the day was 125#, which is 20# off my 1 rep! ....okay, my 1 rep is not that great because I am horrible at OHS, but I was jacked to be feeling so strong! I even contemplated trying to PR, just because that would be so cool to PR while I'm going through chemo. But we ran out of time and it was okay because during the workout I got to do some butterfly pullups, which are my favorite! And I was able to do all 63 pullups and all 21 OHS at 105. Yay! So life was feeling good again, just in time for next infusion. :)
It is amazing how one week after my dark dark days I can feel so normal, happy, and loving life again! I am so lucky for this. So lucky for many things, like this sweet shirt from Amanda Comer!
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